


Talking about Dying

by BlueBoxDetective



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, depressed characters, talking about dying, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-07
Updated: 2019-01-07
Packaged: 2019-10-06 01:52:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17336444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueBoxDetective/pseuds/BlueBoxDetective
Summary: Yaz shares with the Doctor that before they met, she was thinking about dying. They have an honest talk about feelings of depressions.





	1. Direct speech

**Author's Note:**

> Doctor Who is a trademark of the BBC, all rights reserved. My story is only shared for the enjoyment of others and is not intended to get myself any advantages or to create the feeling that the characters are my own.
> 
> This is another work that was mostly me experimenting. The first chapter is only direct speech. The second one uses the same direct speech but is filled with descriptions of what happens. I loved seeing the differences in both versions. I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warning: This is a very dark version of Yaz and the Doctor. Do not read if you feel emotionally unstable.

“Can I tell you a secret?”

“Sure, go ahead!”

“Before I met you... Before you swept us away, showed us the universe and changed our lives... I had given up.”

“Given up on what?”

“Everything. Life. I had given up, I couldn't do it anymore. Didn't want to anymore.”

“What were you going to do?”

“I... I was going to die. Just... Just going to leave, exit. The easy way out.”

“You mean you were going to kill yourself?”

“Yes, you can phrase it that way.”

“Why?”

“Everything hurt. Every day. Every morning. Every breath. I didn't know what I was doing it all for.”

“I understand.”

“You do?”

“Sure. I'm over 2000 years old, remember?”

“Yeah, right... Have you ever thought of it?”

“Of course. Lots of times. Every time loved ones around me died and I was the one living. It messes with your mind.”

“I can imagine.”

“Maybe. How close were you?”

“Very. I had it planned out and set the date.”

“You were serious.”

“Always with something like that.”

“So why didn't you do it?”

“Well, you showed up.”

“You could have left any time after I got the Tardis back.”

“Maybe I changed my mind.”

“I do hope so.”

“How close were you?”

“I'm still alive.”

“That wasn't was I asked.”

“I know. But it is what counts.”

“Not if I loose you tomorrow.”

“You won't. I promise.”

“Are you sure you can promise something like that?”

“Yes. I would never hurt anyone when I choose to leave.”

“You can't make sure of that.”

“I can be pretty certain. But you're right, I can't be sure. But what about you?”

“I honestly didn't care anymore.”

“That sounds desperate.”

“Yes, I was. Everything was exhausting.”

“Do you think it has changed for good?”

“I don't know. Kind of only live in the moment.”

“How does your moment feel right now?”

“Pretty good, thank you for asking. How about yours?”

“Can't complain, I'm in good company.”

“Ever think if you're going to die a natural death?”

“I won't. But you might.”

“I don't think so.”

“How comes?”

“Just can't imagine growing old. Don't think I would like it.”

“That's sad.”

“Why? I think it's freeing to be self-determined.”

“Shouldn't you enjoy life as long as you have it?”

“How would you do that with everything that's happening in the world?”

“I don't know. But a lot of people can live their life pretty happily.”

“That might be true.”

“But?”

“I can't just forget.”

“I get that.”

“Thank you. It means a lot.”

“Your welcome. Thanks for telling me.”


	2. Filled work

“Can I tell you a secret?” It was a whisper in the nearly dark room.

“Sure, go ahead!” Yaz and the Doctor had been laying in on the fuzzy carpet of the library for hours, staring up at the see-through ceiling and into the time vortex above them. They had spend most of their time in silence, the loss of Dan and Kira on Kerblam resting heavy on their shoulders. But now, Yaz was talking in a quiet voice.

“Before I met you... Before you swept us away, showed us the universe and changed our lives... I had given up.” She explained.

“Given up on what?” The Doctor looked at the other woman, but Yaz still just looked up.

“Everything. Life. I had given up, I couldn't do it anymore. Didn't want to anymore.” Her voice was calm and so was the expression on her face. 

“What were you going to do?” The Doctor focused her look back on the stars like she had before. She adapted Yaz's tone.

“I... I was going to die. Just... Just going to leave, exit. The easy way out.” Nothing in the expression of the young woman changed, the topic didn't affect her in any way that she was showing.

“You mean you were going to kill yourself?” There was no judgement audible in the Doctors words. It seemed like a question purely for information.

“Yes, you can phrase it that way.” Yaz blinked slowly as if she was very tired. For a moment silence spread again.

“Why?” It was a question of interest.

“Everything hurt. Every day. Every morning. Every breath. I didn't know what I was doing it all for.” There was no pain in her voice. Yaz could have told the Doctor about the weather forecast the way she was talking.

“I understand.” There was empathy in the short answer.

“You do?” For the first time Yaz turned around to look at the Doctors face. Their gaze met.

“Sure. I'm over 2000 years old, remember?” A slight smile formed the Doctors face before they both looked into the vortex again.

“Yeah, right... Have you ever thought of it?” A short silence followed the question.

“Of course. Lots of times. Every time loved ones around me died and I was the one living. It messes with your mind.” The words sounded casual again, not a hint of any big emotion with it.

“I can imagine.” This time it was Yaz that spoke with empathy.

“Maybe. How close were you?” The Doctors eyes rested on a star she could see in the time vortex.

“Very. I had it planned out and set the date.” Yaz put her hands behind her head.

“You were serious.” It was a statement rather than a question.

“Always with something like that.” You could hear a certain determination in the words.

“So... why didn't you do it?” Carefully chosen words left the Doctors mouth and echoed in her ears in the following silence.

“Well, you showed up.” It was a short sentence, but a compliment none the less.

“You could have left any time after I got the Tardis back.” Still her words came without judgement.

“Maybe I changed my mind.” The voice going up at the end of the sentence made it sound like a question.

“I do hope so.” The time lady had a quick look at Yaz, but the other woman's expression was blank.

“How close were you?” Yaz whispered. The Doctor looked up again and there was a moment of silence.

“I'm still alive.” Was the short answer.

“That wasn't was I asked.” For a second Yaz glanced at the Doctor.

“I know. But it is what counts.” There was an underlying seriousness in the words that made them sound like she had thought about them a lot.

“Not if I loose you tomorrow.” The Doctor could hear the hint of concern.

“You won't. I promise.” It was an honest statement, stressed by the look the Doctor gave Yaz.

“Are you sure you can promise something like that?” the brunette doubted as she looked back at the stars.

“Yes. I would never hurt anyone when I choose to leave.” The words sounded used, like they had been said over and over again.

“You can't make sure of that.” Whispered Yaz into the darkness.

“I can be pretty certain. But you're right, I can't be sure. But what about you?” The question sounded less sad than the words before.

“I honestly didn't care anymore.” This time there was a hint of sadness in Yaz's voice.

“That sounds desperate.” The Doctor stated with empathy.

“Yes, I was. Everything was exhausting.” Yaz closed her eyes at the memory.

“Do you think it has changed for good?” Her eyes followed a pattern in the vortex above her head.

“I don't know. Kind of only live in the moment.” She looked back at the stars.

“How does your moment feel right now?” The time lady glanced at the other woman.

“Pretty good, thank you for asking. How about yours?” The slightest smile became visible on her face.

“Can't complain, I'm in good company.” Softly she nudged the brunette in the side. Silence settled between them for a while.

“Ever think if you're going to die a natural death?” Yaz asked into the silence.

“I won't. But you might.” There was a hint of hope in the short words.

“I don't think so.” She answered casually.

“How comes?” Was the equally passing question.

“Just can't imagine growing old. Don't think I would like it.” Yaz explained like she had explained it a lot in her past.

“That's sad.” Her words reflected in the look in her eyes.

“Why? I think it's freeing to be self-determined.” The brunette looked at the other woman and smiled slightly.

“Shouldn't you enjoy life as long as you have it?” The Doctor returned the look but didn't smile.

“How would you do that with everything that's happening in the world?” Yaz turned over to her side, facing the Doctor.

“I don't know. But a lot of people can live their life pretty happily.” The time lady chose to look back up and out the window.

“That might be true.” Stated Yaz.

“But?” This time the Doctor also turned onto her side.

“I can't just forget.” Answered Yaz.

“I get that.” The Doctor nodded.

“Thank you. It means a lot.” An honest smile appeared on Yaz's face.

“Your welcome. Thanks for telling me.” Now the Doctor was returning the smile. Gently she pulled the other woman into a warm hug, silently letting her know that she would always be there for her.


End file.
